I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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