You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
