too bad you live with your parents still
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
