did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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