I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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