i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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