drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
