____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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