Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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