hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
