I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
birth control should be required to get into college
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
