Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
