I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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