Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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