why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize