It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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