last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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