worst night to have a conscience
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
