My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
