So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
