Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
