mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
