is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
