There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
there is glitter all over my balls
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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