Four minutes until I can fart!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
