I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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