i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
