i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
