Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
