Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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