I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
