Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
