Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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