I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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