we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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