I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
