it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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