nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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