girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
