i think my tv is drunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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