I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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