in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
