I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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