It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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