When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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