Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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