life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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