remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
