The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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