I think I won the penis lottery.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
