A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
