my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
