i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
