I accidentally had phone sex last night
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
